Siblings

I have four kids.  

And I have three extras.  

I need a better name for them.  Extra seems unnecessary.  But they are not unnecessary.  They are, in fact, a very important part of our lives.  But I don't know how else to refer to them without sounding crazy.  I can't say that I have seven kids.  Because I am only really parenting four of them.  And then people wonder why they never see the other three.  But all seven are mine.  In a way.  I love all of them.  I worry about all of them.  I want all of them to reach their potential.  And my heart aches for all of them when they are struggling.     

And all kids struggle with different things at different times.

This is the first full sib visit we have had in over a year.  M went on the run, dropping in periodically over the last year but never staying long enough for us to see her.  A spent the better part of the last year with his mom (birthmom?).  He returned to Cali late this summer to put roots down. 

This past week the girl's CASA, who is amazing, heard M was back and got a quick visit put together.

I called the children's home just before we left the house to make sure that M had not taken off again.  I didn't want to drive two hours away - during rush hour - to find that she had skipped out again.  The people on the other end of the line laughed.  "Well she is here now," they said.  As if to say there was no guarantee.  Grand.

We arrived and they called her up from her 'cottage'.  It was surreal seeing her again.  In some ways, she is still the same M that called me Mom years ago.  I parented her with every intention of her being ours forever.  It was really, really difficult when she left.  

And in some ways she is very different.  She has had many experiences since then.  And they have changed her.

The kids were in a silly mood and we had a great visit.

I like to spoil all my kids on their birthdays and for holidays.  I have often guessed at gifts for the kids but this year I wanted to make sure that I was getting them things that they actually wanted.  So I printed off some 'need, want, wear, read' lists and had the kids fill them out.  

I was surprised by what they put.  Stunned, really.

I expected teal nail polish, a certain DVD, or itunes gift cards.  

I was wrong.  Very wrong. 

After which ensued a short but very interesting conversation. I've known these kids for years and I have never really heard them discuss anything 'real'.  They avoid discussing their lives, their hopes, their dreams, or anything that I would consider of the utmost value with each other.

Not this night.  This night they were clear and concise.  

Which left me pondering.  

I still am.

Two of the kids are spending the holidays with us this year.  That's not necessarily new.  A has spent many with us over the years.  And C spent some holiday time with us last season.

M has already gone awol again.  How am I supposed to serve her when she is not around?!  How am I supposed to sleep at night when I don't know if she is cold, or hungry, or lonely?

I would like to build a Rapunzel tower and put her in it.  Just so that I will know that she is safe.  But apparently that is considered 'illegal' and/or 'kidnapping'.  

So what do we do?  

We continue praying, loving, supporting, teaching, inviting as often as we can.

Because these children are not extra children.  They are not bonus children.  They are part of our family, whatever the proper way to refer to them is.  They are ours and I hope they realize that we are theirs.

Please keep us in your prayers.  

I need M to be able to accept love and kindness, to be able to handle emotion in a positive way.  I need my daughter (former daughter?) to be safe.  

I need C and A to feel how much we love and care about them.  

We need to know how we can best serve them and love them as each day goes by.